I've got a new attitude

It's been a hard year for me in that my body has not cooperated the way that it should. I have come to know my body better than I ever would've thought possible. I know every little muscle and every little bone and every little tendon or ligament and how they are supposed to feel during different parts of the year.

In winter my pain is never below an eight out of 10 on the pain scale. In the spring and fall it is the most fluctuating time for my body pain. Summer is awesome. I've always loved summer but in the last several years I have gained an appreciation for it that I've never known before. The hotter it is the absolute better I feel. It's as close to feeling normal as I can ever feel.

This year due to health complications I didn't get my July and August in the way I normally do. I was very sick and bedrest for those two months. Since then it's been one thing after another and I am not feeling good at all. I am already dreading winter because I'm not getting the break from the intense pain that I usually have. Because of that I have been really down with my mood. Jay has said I've been more negative as well.Because I don't want to be negative or a Debbie downer, I have been searching books, searching the Internet, and the Bible, to try to find something that clicks with me that helps me. I have read many wonderful things that I have printed out and put into a notebook that I keep, but there just wasn't one thing that really resonated with me.

I called my pastor and went in to visit with him and explain the situation. He explained to me that it's OK for me to get down, it's OK for me to be frustrated, that even Jesus experienced frustration. That's part of being human. The key is to not stay there. Every February or March I start to get excited knowing that I've endured another winter and that spring is knocking at the door. I know that the best days are yet to come. Pastor explained that this is what I need to focus on all through the year, good days and bad days. No matter how bad my days are here on earth,  I have an eternal home where there will never be any more pain, no more tears, no more frustration. He shared a reading in the Bible that immediately clicked with me:

2 Corinthians 4: 

8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed... 16That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

How awesome is that?

For me that kind of goes along with my favorite song which is "Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow."

                               

The Guilt Of Feeling You're Never Enough.

I am not a fibromyalgia woman, I am a woman who happens to have fibromyalgia. While those statements may appear similar, the attitude and the feeling is much different.

I get frustrated and at times even angry at people's perceptions of those of us with fibromyalgia, or any chronic pain condition.

I had someone tell me just a couple of days ago that if I would just exercise more all my pain would go away. Another person told me to give up gluten and yet another person told me to add certain supplements into my diet. Believe me if there is something out there that says it will help, I have tried it many times. I have learned over the past several years to not try to correct them or educate them because it's not going to go anywhere. I just politely smile and say "thank you I will take that into consideration" and drop it.

The number one thing that I wish people understood is that there is a massive amount of guilt that goes along with having a chronic illness. I feel guilt over the fact that I am not the wife I was able to be, the mother I was able to be, the daughter and sister I was able to be. I have also lost friends, or those that I thought were friends, due to the fact that I am not who I used to be. Other than pain, guilt is the largest emotion that I feel.

When someone takes offense to the fact that you have not taken their advice, or they take offense to the fact that you made plans with them but now have to cancel at the last minute, or the fact that you're not the same person that you used to be, that only adds to the guilt.

Another thing I wish they understood is that we are not lazy. Yes during certain parts of the year I do nothing more than sit in the recliner, lay on the couch, or lay in bed. That is not by choice, it is a need. I take naps almost daily, which is not as enjoyable as you might think. If I skip a nap I am usually forced to be in bed by 8 PM due to the exhaustion. You may wonder how I can be exhausted if I do nothing but lay around all day. My body is fighting a major battle that never ends. That battle affects my body physically in the form of increased pain and muscle spasm's and great fatigue.

Exercising can help, and for some people it helps immensely. This past spring I decided to try to push myself a little bit to walk more, and I achieve the goal of walking in a few 5K races. Most of the time I came in last place, oh who am I kidding… All of the time. But that didn't matter to me, because I was "running" my own race, and I was finishing it. I rejoined a gym that I've been a member of off and on on over the years, and even started to work with a trainer who is also a nurse. She was great and understood my condition and knew how to push me and how not to push me. Guess what though, my pain never left. I would try to go on in spite of the pain, praying that hopefully somehow someway it would help eventually. Now that the weather has cooled off, I had to put my membership on a medical hold again, because it's getting harder for me to do anything including just walking.

I feel horrible guilt as if I've given up, even though I know in my head that's not true. When you want something so bad that it's in your mind constantly, and you cry and pray over it daily, you feel guilt when it doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped. As if there must have been something more you could do, or something you did wrong.

So yes I do have lots of guilt with this illness, and it something I struggle to try to overcome. I know many others who feel the same way I do and it does give me a bit of comfort to know that I'm not alone in this struggle. I will not give up my gym membership, I will not give up trying to walk in 5Ks, I will never ever give up trying to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can possibly be in the condition that I am currently in.

No I'm not the same person I was, and I will never be that person again. That is been something very hard for me to come to terms with and I have accepted it. But God has reminded me over and over again that just as I am right now… I am enough.