Enjoy the season

For me, the holiday season is about being with family and friends. Of course there is gift giving, and it's one of my favorite parts. I truly enjoy giving gifts. I love paying attention all year and keep track of things my husband or other loved ones have mentioned they would like to have. The best compliment I get is when one of them says "wow...how did you know I wanted this?" I always smile and say that Santa told me. It brings me such joy, and I honestly could care less about ever receiving a gift.

Thanks to online sites like Amazon, gift shopping has never been easier. You can even have the items arrive already wrapped. Easy Peasy. I do a majority of mine online now, due to health issues, but I still love to get out and enjoy all the sites and sounds of the season.

What I don't understand is everyone getting so stressed and grumpy. Fighting over gifts and parking spaces...why?? If it makes you that miserable, do the rest of us a favor and shop online. I happened to be in a store recently, humming along to a Christmas song playing on the sound system, when a

                      

women walked past me and said (loud enough to be sure I heard it) "I am so sick of Christmas music". I wanted to shake her and say "Are you kidding me?", but instead, I smiled and wished her a Merry Christmas.

My daughter and son-in-law are expecting the arrival of their baby any day now. They have been getting very stressed with remodeling and trying to get the baby's room completed, set up and decorated before she arrives. I told them "I know this one couple who were on a trip when she went in to labor. Due to a major event in town, all hotel rooms were booked and she ended up having her baby in a barn. No crib, no curtains, and no cute decorations on the walls." By this time, they knew who I was referring to. I added "If an old barn is good enough for a king, the room you have for your baby is more than enough just as it is. 

The only thing left to do in the nursery is to put the trim around the floor and windows, but they are now taking a break and will finish that after the holidays are over. They are enjoying the season and their time together.

My Christmas wish is that everyone would be able to take a step back and enjoy the season.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

I've got a new attitude

It's been a hard year for me in that my body has not cooperated the way that it should. I have come to know my body better than I ever would've thought possible. I know every little muscle and every little bone and every little tendon or ligament and how they are supposed to feel during different parts of the year.

In winter my pain is never below an eight out of 10 on the pain scale. In the spring and fall it is the most fluctuating time for my body pain. Summer is awesome. I've always loved summer but in the last several years I have gained an appreciation for it that I've never known before. The hotter it is the absolute better I feel. It's as close to feeling normal as I can ever feel.

This year due to health complications I didn't get my July and August in the way I normally do. I was very sick and bedrest for those two months. Since then it's been one thing after another and I am not feeling good at all. I am already dreading winter because I'm not getting the break from the intense pain that I usually have. Because of that I have been really down with my mood. Jay has said I've been more negative as well.Because I don't want to be negative or a Debbie downer, I have been searching books, searching the Internet, and the Bible, to try to find something that clicks with me that helps me. I have read many wonderful things that I have printed out and put into a notebook that I keep, but there just wasn't one thing that really resonated with me.

I called my pastor and went in to visit with him and explain the situation. He explained to me that it's OK for me to get down, it's OK for me to be frustrated, that even Jesus experienced frustration. That's part of being human. The key is to not stay there. Every February or March I start to get excited knowing that I've endured another winter and that spring is knocking at the door. I know that the best days are yet to come. Pastor explained that this is what I need to focus on all through the year, good days and bad days. No matter how bad my days are here on earth,  I have an eternal home where there will never be any more pain, no more tears, no more frustration. He shared a reading in the Bible that immediately clicked with me:

2 Corinthians 4: 

8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed... 16That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

How awesome is that?

For me that kind of goes along with my favorite song which is "Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow."

                               

The Guilt Of Feeling You're Never Enough.

I am not a fibromyalgia woman, I am a woman who happens to have fibromyalgia. While those statements may appear similar, the attitude and the feeling is much different.

I get frustrated and at times even angry at people's perceptions of those of us with fibromyalgia, or any chronic pain condition.

I had someone tell me just a couple of days ago that if I would just exercise more all my pain would go away. Another person told me to give up gluten and yet another person told me to add certain supplements into my diet. Believe me if there is something out there that says it will help, I have tried it many times. I have learned over the past several years to not try to correct them or educate them because it's not going to go anywhere. I just politely smile and say "thank you I will take that into consideration" and drop it.

The number one thing that I wish people understood is that there is a massive amount of guilt that goes along with having a chronic illness. I feel guilt over the fact that I am not the wife I was able to be, the mother I was able to be, the daughter and sister I was able to be. I have also lost friends, or those that I thought were friends, due to the fact that I am not who I used to be. Other than pain, guilt is the largest emotion that I feel.

When someone takes offense to the fact that you have not taken their advice, or they take offense to the fact that you made plans with them but now have to cancel at the last minute, or the fact that you're not the same person that you used to be, that only adds to the guilt.

Another thing I wish they understood is that we are not lazy. Yes during certain parts of the year I do nothing more than sit in the recliner, lay on the couch, or lay in bed. That is not by choice, it is a need. I take naps almost daily, which is not as enjoyable as you might think. If I skip a nap I am usually forced to be in bed by 8 PM due to the exhaustion. You may wonder how I can be exhausted if I do nothing but lay around all day. My body is fighting a major battle that never ends. That battle affects my body physically in the form of increased pain and muscle spasm's and great fatigue.

Exercising can help, and for some people it helps immensely. This past spring I decided to try to push myself a little bit to walk more, and I achieve the goal of walking in a few 5K races. Most of the time I came in last place, oh who am I kidding… All of the time. But that didn't matter to me, because I was "running" my own race, and I was finishing it. I rejoined a gym that I've been a member of off and on on over the years, and even started to work with a trainer who is also a nurse. She was great and understood my condition and knew how to push me and how not to push me. Guess what though, my pain never left. I would try to go on in spite of the pain, praying that hopefully somehow someway it would help eventually. Now that the weather has cooled off, I had to put my membership on a medical hold again, because it's getting harder for me to do anything including just walking.

I feel horrible guilt as if I've given up, even though I know in my head that's not true. When you want something so bad that it's in your mind constantly, and you cry and pray over it daily, you feel guilt when it doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped. As if there must have been something more you could do, or something you did wrong.

So yes I do have lots of guilt with this illness, and it something I struggle to try to overcome. I know many others who feel the same way I do and it does give me a bit of comfort to know that I'm not alone in this struggle. I will not give up my gym membership, I will not give up trying to walk in 5Ks, I will never ever give up trying to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can possibly be in the condition that I am currently in.

No I'm not the same person I was, and I will never be that person again. That is been something very hard for me to come to terms with and I have accepted it. But God has reminded me over and over again that just as I am right now… I am enough.

It was cancer

The vet called me a few days after Tucker's surgery and confirmed with me that it was a cancerous tumor that she removed. Thankfully the type of cancer that Tucker had does not spread and as long as the margins are clear he will be considered cancer free.

In one month he will go back to find out if for sure his margins are clear or not. I'm anxious for that day and hope that I can take Tucker to get a little tiny ice cream cone to celebrate.

My Foot In My Mouth?

This past Sunday my husband and I went to watch our son Austin play in one of his college golf meets, and his girlfriend of two years came along with us. I felt great that day and it was a beautiful warm sunny day, and we had a great time. For mid September we couldn't have asked for anything better. Halfway through the meet, my tongue was burning, as if I just tried to drink something hot and burned my tongue. Weird, but whatever. 

When the meet was over we decided to drive through somewhere to get something to eat before we took our 3hr drive back home. My tongue still feel burnt, so I asked my husband to stop at a convenience store so I could get a small container of ice cream to eat. While he was in the store I decide to look in the mirror at my tongue, and I was shocked to find it was swollen in the center and deep deep red. Within 30 minutes I started to feel little blisters inside my cheeks, soon followed by more on the roof of my mouth, on my tongue, and even inside my lips. My husband was concerned I was having a severe allergic reaction, but I was able to breathe just fine so we continued on home. My mouth resembles this picture, but I actually have even more sores.

The next day it was still just as bad so I figured I better call the doctor and was diagnosed with hand foot and mouth disease. I remember hearing about that when my children were little and someone in school was diagnosed with it. But did adults really get it? In my case, yes they do. 

I immediately called my son and his girlfriend in case they developed any symptoms. Poor Jay is so worried about getting it, he won't even touch the remote after I have until I wipe it down with a disinfecting wipe. I assured him it was safe because I havent licked the remote recently. LOL

Because it is very contagious, I am to be basically be quarantined for up to a week. Thank goodness for iPads and Internet or I just might go crazy.... Although some would argue that already there. Ha ha

Tucker's Surgery

A friend of mine once told me that while you may have many dogs in your lifetime that you love very much, you are rarely granted more than one "heart" dog. I thought she was crazy about that, until Tucker came into my life.

We adopted Tucker in April 2008. He was rescued from a puppy mill that was raided and he was covered in fleas and matted fur, which had to be shaved completely down. He also had two large infected gashes on his hips from rusty wires in his cage. He was 14 months old and because he hadn't had a whole lot of human interaction, I expected him to be shy and fearful. Boy was I wrong! He came bouncing into our house and made fast friends with our other dogs and has been the happiest little guy ever since.

In September 2008 I experienced my first taste of what  chronic fatigue syndrome would be like. Shortly after that I experienced my first pains of fibromyalgia. For the next year and a half I was bedrest while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me. During those darkest hard days Tucker never left my side, not even to eat. He still is that way to this day. He can tell when I'm having a good day, or a bad day, or a very very bad day. On those are very bad days he sticks to me like glue. He will lay with his head on my pillow right next to me with his paw on my shoulder, or his head is on my shoulder. When I cry he will try to lick away my tears. Since Jay has to work so much, I really feel blessed to have Tucker there to help me not feel so lonely.

Unfortunately due to his early life, his body was not allowed to grow and develop as strong as it should have. He has many problems with his back and hips and neck, and has to had to be in a vet specialty hospital overnight a few times when his pain gets so bad and the spasms won't stop.

Now it is again my turn to take care of Tucker with the same care that he takes care of me. He had to have surgery yesterday on his leg to remove a growth. He has had other growths and "old man warts", and our vet has never been concerned about any of them. This growth however is different. The vet called this growth both suspicious and concerning. 

                                       

We will hopefully find out the results as to whether his growth is cancerous or not by Friday. Until then I will cuddle him and keep him company just as my "heart dog" does for me.

                                     

If You Wax Them, They Will Come

A very dear friend of mine has a daughter getting married soon. We have known this young lady since she was 10 years old and she is like another daughter to me. She was in both of my daughters weddings and they are taking part in hers as well. Since I have been through wedding planning twice already, I know the craziness and the chaos that ensues, and I told her I would help her in anyway I could.

Her daughter likes to have a glass of wine occasionally and wanted wine bottles as part of the centerpieces on the tables. She likes the look of bottles in movies such as Lady and the Tramp where wax has dripped down the bottles, and wanted to have that look duplicated. That's where I enter in.

For the past few days as my time and body would allow, I have been dripping wax down the sides of wine bottles. It's actually been very therapeutic and relaxing. I hope my other daughter enjoys them as much as I have enjoyed doing them for her.

Sad To The Bone

I experienced something new today, extreme, deep sadness for someone I had never even met. I don't know what the person looks like, where they live, or even what their name is. The only thing I do know is it a female and she has died.

The reason I'm so sad for this woman is because what I know of her niece Lily, and what Lily has said. I met Lily in a weight loss forum, and we really honestly don't have anything in common, other than the fact that we both struggle with our weight.

Lily talked about this woman, her aunt, and how much she loved her, and how close she was with her. She also talked about how extremely sad she was to know that her aunt was gone and she would never see her again. That is when I became sad, very, deeply sad.

Why? Because of the fact that the niece is an atheist, and very open and vocal about it.  I can only imagine the utter sadness and emptiness there must be when you feel you will never have a reunion with that person you just lost. A few months ago I lost an aunt who succumbed to a very long, hard fought battle with breast cancer. While I was just as sad as Lily over the loss of my aunt, I was able to have peace knowing that someday I will see her again. Thanks to Jesus dying on the cross, we are assured of that fact.

I have been praying for Lily, and I will continue to do so. I hope that someday her eyes and her heart are opened to the joyous news that she can be saved and she can indeed see her aunt again.

                         

How Sick Am I?

I get asked a lot what is actually wrong with me, and so believe it or not this is a condensed version explaining what the truth about my health conditions are this:

In 2007 I found my energy and my strength declining and even though I was actively working out in the gym with a trainer, my ability to do anything except sleeping was greatly diminished. No matter how much I slept it was never enough. In 2008 I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome.

In 2008 I was operating a pet boarding facility that I had owned for several years, which I loved, and I began to find that I was not able to handle the big dogs any longer. Normally if one would come running to me and jump up wanting to play or whatever, I could brace myself for it and do just fine even though I am only 5 foot tall. It came to point where I couldn't do that any longer and twice I was knocked down to the concrete and cracked my pelvis. That combined with my constant exhaustion made me realize that I unfortunately had to close my business. I can't tell you how much I cried the last day I closed the door.

Early 2009 I took my daughter's shopping and as I was walking through the mall I developed a softball sized pain in the middle of my back off to the left side. I tried to continue but the pain became burning pain in the neck area went down. Then when walking on the golf course at one of our sons golf meets I began to have the feeling that I was walking on glass and that I also had little shards of glass on the tops of my feet. Putting on shoes was absolute torture. I began to see one doctor who would send me to a different doctor, who would say something like you must've stepped on something wrong. I knew that wasn't the case but how can you prove it when x-rays show there's nothing wrong?

Little by little pain began to develop and before long it was from my shoulders to the bottom of my feet. We went to the emergency room a couple of different times, and I would be crying out in pain. It was a pain I had never felt before… Including during childbirth. Doctors would scratch their head as x-rays, ultrasounds, CAT scans, MRIs, and any other type of test that they could do all showed negative. It became a never ending cycle of one doctors sending me to another, that Dr. sending me to another, and so on. Each time the doctor would just send me on my way saying there was nothing wrong. We were even referred to one of the top pain specialist in the country. His comment was that I had metal amalgams in my teeth from childhood and if I pulled all my teeth my pain would go away. No thank you.

I went back to my family doctor who at this time was flustered and frustrated for me as I was, but he didn't know what else to do. At that point he referred me to a new family doctor. It was now the fall of 2009. In October my new doctor said she felt I may have something called Fibromyalgia Syndrome, and that was completely foreign to me. She was going to refer me to a rheumatologist to see what they felt. In November 2009 I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and the rheumatologist told me that I was in the top 10% of people who haven it so severe they are no longer to live life the way they used to. That meant I was likely not going to be able to hold a job anymore, and there was a lot of things that I did I would no longer be able to do. I would have to learn to adapt my life to my new disability.

Since that time I have also been diagnosed with a  myriad of other illnesses, and as I have come to learn that tends to happen when you have a chronic illness.  I have short-term memory loss, also commonly known as Fibro fog. I have migraines,  irritable bowel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, severe insomnia, and anxiety.The only thing that is not contributed to the fibromyalgia is the fact that I do now have also arthritis, but that is just because I'm getting old. LOL

Summertime is my best time. I call July and August my honeymoon months,  because those are the sweetest months I have in regards to how low my pain is. It's as close to normal as I will ever be. My pain levels range from 2 to 5 during those months, which is excellent for me. During fall and spring they ramp up to about 5 to 7 on the pain scale, higher during a flare. During winter, my pain levels are never below an 8 on the pain scale.  Ever. Actually during the winter, an 8 is almost considered a good day.

There is a blessing in all of this however, which I will go into in more length in future posts. But if I did not have my faith, especially during those very dark extremely painful days, I don't know that I would still be here today. My faith has been made stronger through all of this, and I do feel blessed.

I'm going to be a Nana!

We recently learned we were going to be grandparents for the very first time. Our daughter Chelsea and her husband Tyler are expecting a baby to arrive just a couple of days before Christmas. Our excitement level is off the chart!

While I will be posting some things here regarding the pregnancy and afterwards, for me to keep track of all the memories I can as I become a grandparent, I have started a new blog named "Countryside Nana".

If you'd like to follow along, here is the link.  http://countrysidenana.blogspot.com/

Didn't Go As Planned

Sooooo, my plan was to write something at least once a week. It's quite obvious that didn't happen. 

The thing with fibromyalgia is that it can be greatly affected by the weather. For me, the hotter it is, the better I feel. February in Iowa is the exact opposite. I spend a lot of the winter in bed enduring great pain. I have learned to zone out, and almost go into a trance-like meditative state to cope with the never ending pain. It is hard to do anything that requires brain power when I am like that.

Fibro fog is a term for the short term memory loss those of us with chronic pain must deal with. I can remember my favorite doll from my childhood, but ask me what I had for lunch yesterday and I am blank. So, truth be told.....I forgot about this blog. Just yesterday I thought to myself "I should start a blog again, but what would I call it? I know, the title will involve the three major things in my life: Faith, Family, and Fibro". Imagine my surprise when I logged in and found I had already started on with that title. :-/ 

My promise to myself is that I will most definitely write more often.....unless the "fog" takes over again. 

* I just put a post-it reminder on my iPad. :)

Where Do I Go From Here?

This morning when I got up, I had no intention of writing a blog. I had one a very long time ago, but I let it get away from what I wanted it to be, and more about what others were telling me they wanted it to be. It was no longer fun, and I stopped, vowing to never do one again.

First thing you should know about me....I'm a black/white kind of lady. All or nothing. So, when I say never, chances are that doesn't mean never EVER. Eventually it will mean not right now or for a very long time.

Some things are a definite NEVER. Panty hose, greek yogurt, spandex (except at a gym), acid wash jeans, etc. You get the idea. Some things are definitely best left alone.

I naturally want to help others, and I've been traveling down the fibro road for a long time now, but I'll get into that more later. I am also enjoying menopause. Second thing to know about me....I have a sarcastic edge to my humor, which is what I use to survive all of this.

One other thing to know about me is that I love my God, my husband, my children, my dogs and my goats in that order, and I love to talk about and share pictures of them all. Again, these are all vital to me in my journey.

So as it says on the side...sit back and chillax. Let's go on this journey together.